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Thursday, 19 May 2011

A moth to a flame

So maybe "Goodbye" was too strong a word for me to use. We are talking again, I really missed our daily chats keeping up with each other's lives, hopes and dreams. We've ignored the elephant in the room, my "meltdown" and walking away, just general catching up on things. I know it's going to happen eventually, but I'm not sure how to tell her my feelings without making it all her fault. I know a lot of it is just my perception of things, although I also know what I said in my previous blog is true for my heart.

Some history here.....I've known her for over 25 years. We were both in "other" relationships back in the day as well as our own. The term Polymore wasn't even in the dictionary back then, but I can look back and see that she was Poly before Poly was cool. She left me to go one on one with a guy, I continued on with my own "situation", we didn't talk for over 12 years, although both of us admit now to trying to get in touch and constantly thinking about the other as we went through other relationships. She says I looked her up, I think she looked me up but that doesn't really matter. That was over 7 years ago and we have been lovers ever since. I got out of the relationship I was in at the time, she felt she couldn't leave hers. I started up with someone else, she got "free". I couldn't leave my "situation", she started up with others and began the internal journey to discovering she was really Poly. We have always been very close friends. No one knows me, the "real" me better than she does and vice versa. I know things about her that not even her sisters know. We have always accepted each other for who we are as friends, it's when we try to have a relationship that calls for more commitment that we fall down. That she is truely Poly is my stumbling block, my anger and inability to accept the "others" is hers.

Fast forward to today. We have been talking again via the web for the last couple of days. It's pretty obvious to me that she still cares or she wouldn't be continuing to communicate. I know I still love her dearly and completely, but I also know that unless I try something different, we will go back down that same road of emotional termoil. So help me out here Xangans....How do you keep your emotional distance with someone you truly love because you know if you get fully envolved again, you are going to get hurt?

We haven't broached the subject of her other lovers yet. I don't know that I can go there, because that's always been my downfall. My thoughts are running to trying to stay just friends rather than back to a love affair to ward off the possibility of all that pain and axiety I feel coming back to haunt me. Life is way too short to be jelous, angry and upset all the time. I'm really at a loss as to what to do here.....So what do you think?

Thursday, 12 May 2011

The Agony and the Ecstasy

I'm back, and almost a year has past since my last blog about the woman I love. I have finally ended the relationship with my Polyamoric woman. As a quick update, we got back together for another month or two, she decided she wanted a life with another one of her lovers, then quickly changed her mind when he rejected her. I had a life threatening accident in the fall, that brought her running back to me, she made all kinds of promises that I would be her "primary" forever and she would put the others (especially him) in their place.  It didn't happen.

In the early winter, she had a "run up" of emotions with a guy she's known since highschool (had sex with him back then), decided it wasn't where she wanted to go and has been ramping up again emotionally (not physically as far as I can tell) with the guy she wanted last summer. It's been a slow moving fantasy for her, but all the while, she has been pulling away from me physically and emotionally. I don't really believe that he will come through for her, I don't think he would really take her away from me entirely. I just can't live with the idea that him or guys like him will be in and out of her life on a regular basis.

To be fair, I guess I should mention that as a "mono" guy with a "Poly" woman, I tried to set boundaries for her with me vs. the others. The problem is, she just can't do that. She is very much an in the moment kinda gal, that when she is with one of them, she is totally and fully committed to them, their needs, wants and wishes forgetting about the rest of us, especially me. Selfishly, in my "mono" ways, I wanted her to be able to keep me in her heart and mind as "the one" at all times, she said she would, but the truth is, she can't. It's just not who she is. It's the stumbling block as a mono, I just can't get past.

I've read a lot about Polyamore and spent a lot of time on the Polyamory.org and Polyamory.com sites, reading the blogs by others. I've decided there are two basic types of Polys, the ones that can maintain a "special" relationship while exploring love, emotions and physical attraction with others, and those that don't have a "single" relationship, they have many that make up the whole of their emotional existance. I really, really wanted her to be in that first group, it turns out, she is really in the 2nd. I could have been very happy spending the rest of my life with her if she would have been able to keep me "special", but I am the one that can't accept being "one of many", not her.

For me, the agony of watching her go through the NRE, love and "in love" with them is too much. It doesn't counter balance the ecxtasy of being with her, being loved by her anymore.  I get emotionally and to a degree, physically kicked to the curb anytime she starts up with another man (or in the last incident, the straw that broke the camels back for me) the same one all over again, is too much for me to go through time after time if we were to continue on. I needed more than that from her. My mono heart just couldn't take being in the emotional revolving door that is her heart. But as I said before, it isn't who she is.

When I found out she was Poly, I wanted to share it with her as a couple. I promised myself I would not try to change her so rather than force change on her, I'll just walk away. I can't expect her to do something I'm not willing or able to do myself because I am who I am. She loved me, I know this, but she just couldn't give me the security in our relationship I needed to be able to accept the others in her life, knowing that at any time, the NRE would spin her head and heart around, leaving her confused and wondering if I really am "the one", maybe it's someone else.

My head has finally overuled my heart. I will miss her a lot. She had a great sense of humor, was an intelegent and well spoken woman on many subjects as well as the best lover I've ever had or ever will have. I will always love her, but alas as we all SHOULD know, you can't live on love alone, there has to be more.   Good by "darlin" I wish you all the best.

Wednesday, 07 July 2010

To wax Political.....

I'm done, I've had it. I voted for Obama, thinking change was a good thing, but I don't see any changes that are for the better. The healthcare plan does me more harm than good, but ok, I'm a good democrat, I went along with the flow.
Not anymore. The devastation in the gulf is continuing day after day and our President does nothing. No, I don't expect him to put on gloves and get a scoop and shovel to start cleaning up himself, but I do expect him to order a ban on the EPA's rules governing the "inadiquate" skimmers and let them go to work. I do expect him to let the poor people who make their livings on the gulf help in any way they can even if it's only building a sand wall.   Afterall, if the less than adiquate skimmers take out half the oil, doesn't that mean the other more effecient skimmers won't have to do as much? Is logic and common sense totally out the window in all of Washington?
What about our Senators and Representatives? Why aren't they passing laws or better yet, removing laws that prevent clean up from taking place? People WAKE UP! The gulf coast and the Mississipi Delta region is one of the most productive regions in our nation for seafood! It's all going down the drain while our president does nothing.   Whole generations of sea farmers are losing their livelyhood, family men are committing suicide rather than face their families because they can't make a living anymore....
Every day, more and more oil gushes out of the sea floor contaminating the ocean and beaches further and further out while our President and Congress do nothing about it. Has BP bought them all? Where is the Green Party when we REALLY need them?   Even if you are Vegan, how can you stand by while the beautiful coasts are coated in oil, millions of forms of sea life including fish, shrimp, oysters, clams and birds are being killed? If a fisherman were to illegally catch and kill as many fish as BP has, he would be in jail!    ENOUGH!
What to do? VOTE THEM OUT! All of them. Get someone, anyone that will take a look at this disaster and take action, not spew more words. I don't care if you vote republican, democrat, Peace and freedom or green party, ANYTHING would be better than this continuing disaster.
Ok, I'm off my soapbox now, totally ashamed that I voted for this man.

Monday, 24 May 2010

To love or not to love (my apologies to Shakespeare)

I find myself wondering why fate is so cruel and heartless. I've loved someone for a long, long time. I still do, but is it worth it? When we first got together after years of not seeing each other, we both had "others" in our lives. I dumped mine, she kept hers.   I experimented with other lovers, thinking that "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" but I didn't love them as deeply and completely as I did her in reality I didn't love them at all. Their claimed love for me was something I needed to replace the loss her staying in another relationship even though at that time, I didn't say goodbye. I hung on to our relationship such as it was, an affair really, but one of the heart and soul.
A couple of years ago, she annnounced to me that I was one of many that she was seeing, some of them intimately, others just as "mental lovers" (my words not hers) but every bit as important and close, maybe closer than the ones she is physically involved with. I hung on, because she said I was the "one" the most important person in her life. We explored her relationships with the others together, we finally decided that in reality, she is a "Poly" person, someone capable of loving many and having relationships with many, not just one.
I really tried to be "open minded" and accepting of who and what she was, after all isn't that what love is supposed to do? Not change someone, but to accept them for who and what they are?  I gave it my best shot for several years, but it just dosen't work anymore. The jealousy over the time spent with them, feeling ignored and alone when she was paying attention to them, brought me to a point of feeling sick and hurt more than loved and content. In the end, the pain of knowing about the others was too much to bear. The reality of I really am just one of many, not really that special cut very, very deep. Maybe it was my own ego and pride that thought I was something worth more than the others, I don't really know.
I've never loved anyone like I loved her, even after finding out about the others.  The problem is, I'm miserable without her, yet I was miserable with her too. I can't seem to just shut off the feelings for her, they are buried so deep and are so strong. So the question is, what to do, what to do.  Is it possible to just get on with my life and leave her as just a memory? Will time truly "heal all wounds" both spirtual and emotional? It doesn't feel like it, after all, she has been a part of my life for almost 30 years, even though there were spaces in between. She was never far from my mind during those times.
I guess only time will tell......